Tara's Letter, The Real End to SOA
by Mandi1215
Summary: A short story...A letter written by Tara, a little insight to the real end of SOA...Or how I wish it all went down.


I wanted to stay, I wanted to be his old lady...his queen. I could have been a good queen to SAMCRO. I may not have what Gemma had, fortunately I have a conscious but I could do it. A part of me can't deny that I wanted to do it, that I wanted that life with Jax. There is something about this outlaw life that I've always felt drawn to, it isn't all Jax, even though his association is the biggest pull of it but if I'm 100%honest a small part of me enjoys the rush of the danger. When I left him the first time I knew I did the right thing, I was getting too comfortable in Charming, too comfortable being Jax Teller's old lady. Little shocked me, Jax with blood on him when he'd pick me up from school. Jax beat to a pulp. The secret of the club that I wasn't privy to, but I was smart enough to know SAMCRO was never an ordinary MC. Still the 10 years I was gone was boring, I missed the thrill of it. I missed Jax, regardless of who the man was in my life I would always compare him to Jax. My heart belonged to Jax, I left it in Charming when I left him. When things went bad with Kohen and my father's passing it was my excuse to come back. I didn't know Kohen would follow me but I knew being near Jax would make me feel safe again. I didn't keep up with Jax, I didn't know if he'd even still be in Charming or married or God forbid dead. He was still in Charming and even though I wanted to deny it at first I knew I loved him and it didn't matter what he was doing with SAMCRO or what I was doing as a doctor I wanted to be with him.

But now…it was different. It's not just me and Jax, we have our boys to think about. Becoming Abel's mother and having Thomas changed me in a way that I can't describe. No longer was what I wanted or needed important, not even the love I have for Jax. They're the ones that are important, and their safety comes before all else. When Jax got out of prison he promised me he was done with SAMCRO, even as he spoke the words I didn't believe it. I wanted to, Lord knows that I wanted to believe it but I didn't. So as I sat on the floor holding our son Thomas I wasn't surprised that Jax was telling me to take our boys to Oregon and that he couldn't leave . I knew Jax loved me, I knew Jax loved our boys. This decision wasn't about love or what he wanted, this decision was because SAMCRO was a part of him. A part of him that he couldn't just let die, I knew that. In my heart I know that he wanted to be with me and the boys, I never doubted his love, never doubted that we were his life. But my husband had a darkness about him that pulled him, pulled him into the life of SAMCRO. I couldn't force him out of it, it had to be him who choose to leave. And I had to make my choice. Just like I knew Jax loved me, he knew I loved him but he also knew that saving our boys from SAMCRO was what I had to do.

Jax left me sobbing as I sat on the floor in Thomas' room, I heard him tearfully leave the house. I knew he was heading to the club house to take his seat as President. There was a moment I had thought I would stay, stay with Jax, he was after all mine. I laid Thomas down to sleep and went to check on Abel and the moment I saw my sleeping boy laying so peaceful in his bed I knew, knew that I had to get them out. My boy looked so peaceful, I wanted him to continue to have a peaceful life. He'd already been through so much, I wouldn't allow more harm to come to him or to his brother. Instead of heading to the club house to tell Jax I was staying, I went into our bedroom and made a phone call. I accepted the offer to work in Oregon.

When Jax got home that night I told him my plan. It was hard, I cried, he cried. He knew this was best for our family. He swore to me that he would come and visit as much as he could. We stayed up all night planning and talking. We decided what we would tell people, specifically tell his mother. Within the week Jax had us packed up and ready to leave. We found a small house to near the hospital I would be working at, there was a great daycare facility nearby too. The only thing Jax wanted before we left was that we got married, he wouldn't send me off without his ring on my finger and his last name. It was a small wedding, very small but sweet. We had a judge come to our home and we got married in the living room. It was just Jax, the boys, and I. Chibs and Bobby served as witnesses. I wore a lavender summer dress and a purple flower in my hair. Jax wore what he wore every day, his cut. It was simple and perfect, Chibs even had a few short words that topped it off to be the best wedding I've witnessed. Gemma was not there, she was still angry that I was taking the boys out of Charming. I remember when we told her our plan, we had gone to her house to break the news. She was so angry, her whole face changed, she was crazed. I don't think Jax even realized how upset she was going to be. I knew he never saw this in her, the crazy evil part of her, but I did. He refused to see it in her, but I knew all along that she had this side of her. She threw a fit, destroyed her house, threw both of us out and warned me to watch my back. I was surprised to see her the day we left, she hugged both the boys and told them she'd come visit soon. She kissed my cheek and held me tight, she told me to take care and that she'd be seeing me soon. I got a chill down my spine, everything this woman and I have been through and I have to admit she did scare the shit out of me.

It wasn't hard this time to say goodbye to Jax. I knew we were still "us", knew he was always going to be there for me and the boys. This move wasn't us giving up on each other, this move was for our boys. We'd sacrifice for them. The move went great for Abel and Thomas, they adjusted so well. We had even made friends, my co-workers and some parents from the daycare. Jax would come and visit often, we told our friends that he lived in Charming to run the family business and him relocating wasn't a possibility. It wasn't a complete lie and they seemed to buy it. We got visits occasionally from Gemma, they always went well, or at least seemed to go well until I found out she'd go back to Charming full of lies to tell Jax. The last visit she had me sleeping with a friend of ours, but what she didn't know was he was gay and Jax wasn't buying the lie. She was still able to visit but only when Jax was with her. We had other visitors too, Uncle Bobby and Uncle Chibs came to visit for special occasions, Birthdays and Christmases. We even had Tigg coming up here for a while. I think he had thing for a neighbor of ours, Tigg was pretty infatuated with him or should I say her.

At the beginning Jax would still keep me in the loop of what was going on back with SAMCRO but one visit I asked him to stop. I didn't want to know anymore. It was too hard to. I couldn't have one foot in Charming and another one in Oregon. I choose this life away from SAMCRO and I had to live it and while Jax was here he lived it too. When he walked into the front door he hung up his cut and left it there until it was time for him to leave again. I felt guilty sometimes not wanting him to talk to me but I honestly think he was happy with this decision. It allowed him a break, a break from the constant stress of the outlaw life. When he was with us, he was just husband and father, President of SAMCRO was not his life when he was with us. Occasionally he would talk when things festered and he needed me and I would listen but there wasn't this need on either of our parts to have to know it all. Jax never wanted to pull me back into the club, but there were times he couldn't help it. Jax, Opie, Chibs, and Tigg all went to jail for a short time. It was serious, their lives were at risk in there. Bobby would call me everyday letting know that Jax was safe, but it wasn't until I heard my husband's voice the day he got out that I felt I could breathe again. It was such a relief but unfortunately the news he had knocked the air right out of me again. Opie had been killed. My husband lost his best friend, his partner, his brother and I couldn't console him. I didn't go back for the wake and it was a long time until Jax came for a visit. When he did make it home to us he was different, there was a shift in my husband. He was little darker after that. We didn't talk about it but I knew there was retaliation for Opie's death. Any hope I had for Jax leaving SAMCRO was gone after Opie's death, his death pushed my husband even further into the club. I remember one night getting the call that he needed me, Bobby had been shot. It was bad, really bad. I left the boys with a friend I trusted and made my way to the cabin where Bobby was barely alive when I got there. While I was there I found out that the club killed Clay Morrow, good riddance in my opinion. Jax didn't give me the details, nor did I want to hear them. I saved Bobby's life that day, but he died 5 years later from a heart attack. I loved that man, he was our family. I didn't go to his funeral, which I regretted.

The one time I went back to Charming, and the last time was for Gemma's funeral. It was brutal, Gemma's death. It was the one time I wanted to know the truth from Jax, the details of what had happened. Apparently SAMCRO was having problems with the Chinese over guns, the Chinese weren't happy and went after Gemma to hurt SAMCRO. They killed her brutally in her own home. Beat her, drowned her in the kitchen sink, and then stabbed a fork into the back of her head. Gemma could be evil, but she didn't deserve that, no one did. I mourned her, we had a rough relationship. We downright hated each other but I loved that woman too. I will forever miss her, and yet I felt relief not to have to watch my back anymore. If I had any regrets about taking the boys out of Charming, her death laid it all to rest. This is why I wanted us gone, we needed to be safe. And even though I knew Jax was working on getting SAMCRO out of guns, I knew it wasn't going to be easy or safe.

Our boys, Abel and Thomas, how they are so different. We did our best to make sure the boys always had their dad there for them when they needed him. Jax made plenty of sport games and school plays, when he was home it was about quality time with his boys, not quantity. They missed their dad, sure, but they knew they were loved and taken care of. They didn't ask many questions about why their Dad was gone or what their dad was doing or why we never went to visit him. I sometimes wonder what they thought growing up. Of course as they grew up it got a little harder for them not to ask. Abel seemed content with our life, he seemed content to only know the basics to what life was like for Jax in Charming. Abel grew up with a goal, to be a doctor. He wanted to help people with heart problems, like his. Jax and I were more than proud when he found out he got accepted to Berkley, even managed a scholarship. Our son was determined and focused. Jax and I were both there when he graduated Berkley and we were both there when he graduated medical school. Our son, the Cardio-Vascular Surgeon, I couldn't contain my excitement for him. My own surgical career was a success, had my set back after my injury but recovered quickly and was able to have a successful career. Abel set up a practice in San Francisco, where I ended up transferring to when he got accepted to Berkley. Thomas wanted to be closer to his dad and San Francisco was going to get us a little closer but still far enough away. Thomas was unlike Abel, he wasn't content not knowing why his Dad lived away from us. It was his 17th birthday that he announced he was going to move to Charming to live with Jax. We wouldn't allow it, he begged Jax and I know it broke my husband's heart to turn away his son. They went for a ride, the two of them alone and were gone a long time. Something changed that day in Thomas, he stopped asking to live with Jax and didn't push the subject any longer. I knew Jax had filled him in, I knew that SAMCRO had made it's way into Thomas' life that day. My hope was that he heard enough to keep him away, he didn't mention it again until a year later on his 18th birthday when he packed up, kissed me goodbye , said he loved me and that he was sorry but took off on his bike and rode towards Charming. He broke a little bit of my heart that day, but Thomas had a calling like his dad. As much as I wanted the club to die with Jax, it would live on with our son Thomas. Jax had promised me that he had SAMCRO on the straight path, that Thomas wouldn't be an outlaw. My husband did it, he had SAMCRO in legit businesses for years now, but I always had that fear that it would go bad. They had Cara-Cara and Diosa, along with some other businesses and even though I didn't like the idea of my son or husband for that matter running the porn industry it was better than the alternative. Chibs stepped down as VP and Jax patched Thomas in as Vice President. Jax stayed in Charming for a while to help Thomas, to show him the way. Jax created the MC he always wanted, the type of MC his Dad John Teller had originally created, a brotherhood. Thomas was now part of that, and Jax was going to make sure the legacy he created would continue the way it was meant to be.

I didn't get any warning the day I heard him pull up on his bike. My stomach always fluttered when I heard that noise, it was no different on this day. Jax came in to our home like he always did, hung his cut at the door and came to kiss me hello. He told me he was home, home for good. I don't think I quite believed him, but it was true. After 25 years apart, my husband was mine, all mine. The pull of SAMCRO wasn't there anymore. The darkness that at times absorbed him was gone, and I just had Jax, my soul mate. He could rest, rest knowing that his club was saved. He couldn't leave it all those years ago, but he could now. He could rest in knowing that he made it right and that his son would continue with it. My husband had become an old man, and I his old lady but we lived like we were 16 again when our love was brand new. We had our sons, who married and gave us our grandbabies. We lived knowing that what we sacrificed and did in those years apart were worth it, that our love was strong and true. That when you're with the one you are suppose to be with, you're just better human beings.


End file.
